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Developing Lasting Relationships

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    • #26435

      In a recent interview with The Atlantic, psychologist John Gottman revealed that kindness and generosity are the two key personality traits found in functional, long-lasting relationships. Gottman has dedicated his life to studying love and marriage, and can predict whether or not a couple will make marriage work with an accuracy rate of 94%.

      What do you think? Can this be synthesized into the relationships we build with students in education?

      I believe so. Students are starved fro kindness and generosity.

      As far as the body and the brain go, Gottmann studied couples fro 40 years, since the 1970s in longitudinal studies of at least 6 years duration. Couples sat next to each other talking about their relationships while being hooked up to all sorts of medical equipment measuring galvanic skin response, sweat, heart rate and blood pressure. For the people whose relationships did not last, those he called the disasters, the conversations appeared calm enough on sight, but the medical device measurements were bouncing all over the place, showing a fight or flight syndrome. They were either wanting to hit their partner or flee from them with all their energy.

      The masters, those Gottman identified as 94% more likely to remain in a relationship fought fair when they disagreed with each other. Another key component is that when a member of the relationship made a bid to the other person by sharing a significant moment in his or her life, the other realized it was not about the specifics o fthe pleasant experience. Rather the partner was inviting them into their enjoyment of that moment. This differed with the disasters who ignored or poo-pooed the bid or did a one upsmanship on the other.

      Final reason I believe this can transfer to educational relationship: Gottman’s study included couples in married and non-married relationships, open relationships, heterosexual and same sex relationships.

      This is what I think? Are you maybe thinking we ought to try a little kindness and generosity in our relationships with our teaching colleagues and our students. What are your thoughts?

    • #28240
      Lisa Baker

      Ernest, I total agree with you. I know many teachers who are using fun and innovative ways to encourage generosity and kindness. In my classroom and all of those at my grade level, we have incorporated a “Kindness Tree.” We also use Conscious Discipline in our classroom as well. Leaves are added to the tree when students are caught doing something kind. In my classroom, I write the student’s deed and date it. All the students have a unique color, so it is easier for me to monitor progress and help all my students. At our last grade level meeting, we were commenting that students appear more eager to help. Another positive side-effect is that we are removing children to “cool down” less. The Kindness tree has been a wonderful addition to our curriculum. Bottom line: Kindness Works!

    • #28236
      Cid Schumpert

      I completely agree that showing a little kindness and generosity can go a long way in developing relationships with our students.

      Teachers can show kindness toward students by greeting them warmly as they enter the classroom each day. Getting to know students beyond their academic needs is important to building relationship and extending kindness. Teachers should be aware of students’ backgrounds and interests. Listening to students in a caring, responsive, respective way shows students the kindness they crave from adults. Students also need meaningful feedback from a caring adult to support their learning.

      Strong relationships are a key element in student success.

    • #31353
      Lisa Baker

      I found an article that may provide some insight to the biological forces that aid in forming long-term relationships – . In this article, the researchers studied prairie voles. Prairie voles are unique in that they mate for life. Being with a mate activates the reward centers of the brain. However, in the prairie vole, another checmial : Oxytocin is also involved. The hormones vasopressin and dopamine are also factors in forming lasting bonds. The article goes on to indicate that love is complex, but the insight into the roles of neurochemicals in forming lasting relationships is interesting.

    • #32157
      Lisa Baker

      Here is a more in-depth article on the hormone oxytocin: . This article goes in to depth of the history of the discovery of the hormone and it’s role in forming relationships. What I found interesting is that researchers are using oxytocin as a therapy for Autism. This is an interesting idea which may point to a more biological reason for this disease. This is an interesting article. I like the multi-discipline approach to looking at relationships.

    • #32870
      Patricia Bentolila

      Excellent idea, extending John Gottman findings to the “teacher-student” relationship. I agree 100% in that building a strong relationship is key to improving learning. Evidence shows that even if a student is not very interested in a topic or a specific class, having a strong relationship with his teacher may positively influence his approach and learning.

      Besides that teacher-student bonding, the student-student relationship is crucial. We all know how difficult it is for a student to learn if he feels rejected, or not belonging. This is an issue we are dealing in all countries and struggling hard, to fight bullying. In Davis and Nixons book: “Youth Voice Project”, the idea of the 4R´s is highlighted: respect, RELATIONSHIPS, resiliency, and responsiveness.

      I loved the proposal of the kidness tree, Lisa, particularly because of the powerful message of adding leaves to a tree, something that is alive and grows. I have done a similar activity as part of my counseling interventions in elementary school grades, having children hand boomerangs shaped cardboards to their peers with every good deed they do to one another. Do we really need so much scientific evidence for something we all relate to and understand even before we learn to talk??? Maybe just a reminder, it´s something that is in high demand in all spheres…..

      Let´s keep finding evidence to support, maybe it´ll help convince the more skeptical.

    • #40998
      Dr. Margo Turner

      a great book to use with elementary students on this topic is Each Kindness by Jacqueline Woodson – a Coretta Scott King Honor book. There are lesson plans available at scholastic and when I have used it wit h students both elementary and college pre-service teachers it has made last impact on what it means to extend kindness.

      Also I recommend Otis by Loren Long and how full is your bucket? by Tom Rath.

    • #42270

      Margo I love “how full is your bucket”.

      I personally use it as part of my counseling program classes when I do class intervention, but also in private practice with patients, it´s so helpful specially because of the way children can see visually something inside their heads can make a difference.

      I would like to add an extension from this book giving the example of one of my little patients. She is a 5 year old, anxious little girl. She developed this story about a “girl in her tummy (cause that´s were she feels the anxiety)” that she puts to sleep…… So when that girl is asleep, there´s “no anxiety” or in other words the anxiety is under control.

      I think the use of this books and stories are great tools to provide visual insight of how we have the power to do something from within to change the outcome. I think it´s very important to keep strengthening the idea that each one has a power to impact the results in their live, no matter what the situation is.

    • #62551

      In Szalavitz’s and Perry’s Born for Love, they talk about the power of producing oxytocin by looking into each others eyes and holding hands or touching. I have asked to do a long term homework project proving that at home. I may not be able to share the results! Ha!

    • #62722
      Iliana Aljure

      Ernest, in our school in Bogotá, Colombia, we have our own internal commmunication system called Schoology, which you might have heard. When I created the Arts Group, the picture I chose was an image with words that said: BE KIND, BE KIND AND BE KIND… In a school environment, kindness and generosity, which are the art of giving and expressing careness, are basic in the everyday life. If we teachers model kindness, children will immediately respond in the same way. If we adults are hostile in any way, children will act upon this behavior also. Generosity in words, in feelings, in showing you care, in little acts of kindness, end up in an educational environment that grows in both and shows in character building. Bravo!

    • #63096

      Waw, beautiful, and thank you for all your input on this topic. Kindness and generosity need to be taught starting at home. Often times teachers are faced with the fact that students lack these traits. They have not seen it being modeled or instructed in their homes. When we talk about poverty, this is definitely an area of poverty. Lasting relationships do not happen; they are formed through time, with the basic elements of kindness, generosity and trust: “I know that you care, I am important in your eyes, You are there for me, I can count on you”. These are some of the emotional expressions that express a sense of belonging. Kindness and goodness should follow us at all times. To help each other in this area we (teachers) agreed to remind each other every week to show kindness and to be generous, giving testimonials of what we have done. They are action words!

    • #63098
      Patricia Bentolila

      Dr. David Hamilton PhD. Writes about the side effects of kindness. He wrote a book: “Why kindness is Good for you” What he has found is that:
      1. Kindness makes us happier : the good feeling we get is due to elevated levels of the brain’s natural versions of morphine and heroin, which we know as endogenous opioids. They cause elevated levels of dopamine in the brain and so we get a natural high, often referred to as ‘Helper’s High’.
      2. Kidness gives us healthier hearts: they produce emotional warmth which produces oxytocin, in the brain and throughout the body.
      3. Kindness Slows Ageing: research shows that oxytocin (that we produce through emotional warmth) reduces levels of free radicals and inflammation in the cardiovascular system and so slows ageing at source.
      4. Kindness Makes for Better Relationships: kindness reduces the emotional distance between two people and so we feel more ‘bonded’.
      5. Kindness is Contagious: When we’re kind we inspire others to be kind.
      So now that we have Scientific evidence that kindness changes the brain, impacts the heart and immune system, and may even be an antidote to depression, we have enough good reason to start our Kindness chain.
      Researchers at the University of Wiscons in Madison discovered human kindness is teachable, and it can change how the brain works. So Yes, Rinnah, we can teach it. Let´s not rely on homes being responsible for this. Children spend many hours in school and teachers can have a great impact. I agree that teachers being kind to one another is a great role modeling situation. A list of everyday acts of kindness can and should be posted around the school and in the classrooms.
      A good Start: smile to everyone, greet others, pick up someone else´s trash, listen to someone, invite someone to sit together, hold the door for someone, be fast to share a book or object to a classmate/workmate, and just keep adding.

    • #63186

      Patricia: I love lists and especially this one with its positive benefits. the tipping point is nearing when our focus will move from a curriculum only crammed down our throats education to one we have called brain-friendly, or even more recently, socio-emotional. No matter what we call it, it one human looking another in the face and allowing our mirror neurons and so much more do the work of passing on our humanity to the next generation. I am excited to no ends to be a part of something like that! Know you are too!

    • #70386

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    • #72867
      Ernest Izard

      Interesting that in this strand and another strand the studies on the voles are used to describe the role of kindness in human relationships, including those in a classroom. Like many of you, I remember only a few strands of knowledge from the many instructors who have been my teachers through the years. There is no debate remembering the teachers who were kind to me, listening to my enthusiasm as well as my disappointments. I may have forgotten what it was like to be a middle school or high school student. Grades prove that I was there at one time. My life demonstrates that the teachers were there caring in spite of all the craziness that was mine in those years before we knew my brain was undergoing the most radical redevelopment in my life. And at the same time, they were facing all the struggles teachers today face, and they did it with a smile at me and warm words of encouragement.

      This is especially poignant to me as I think about the middle school teacher who I never had in a classroom. She was the spelling coach for the school’s participation in the national spelling bee. She spent many hours after school and on the weekends listening to me spell words from a long list of possibilities that could come up in the competition. Know now some of the dynamics of my brain and its memory and processing that was going on that got me to within one word of going to the Washington DC finals. I knew all the other words of the couple of contestants left standing. I have had a lifelong love-hate relationship with the word “titian” which I had never heard of before. Hate because it stood between me and a mountaintop experience. Love because of all the mountain tops and valleys I have journeyed with the accomplishments and encouragement that one teacher gave me even in the face of one defeat. The tragedy is that teacher is now a patient in a dementia ward of a nursing home. When I last saw her, a smile came to her face when I said the magic word we shared together. I remain forever grateful for her commitment to education for many years, and the fragment of necessity she has shared with me.

    • #72951

      Your story brought tears to my eyes. That´s how powerful is the effect of Kindness even when it´s not your own kindness act. Anyone can relate to what you are sharing since most probable, almost everyone have a similar “magic word/moment” that we shared during our learning years in school. So, we know the strenght of relationships. Teachers have an important and useful tool they can use to enhance the process of learning. If they think it´s too much work to develop relationships, they should think twice on how much work it´s actually not to invest in them. Thanks for sharing. Inspiring!

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